MY NAME IS CRAIG AND I AM A CODEPENDENT
What does it mean to be a codependent?
Click on the link below to get some idea as to what is meant by codependency.
I have been a codependent for as long as I can remember. I go to CODA meetings in an attempt to improve my life. ['CODA' stands for 'Codependents Anonymous'] Many years ago - back in the late 1980's/early 1990's I went to a lot of CODA meetings. I even co-created one not too far away from where I once lived. The 'Vancouver Province' [A major local newspaper] even interviewed me and created a full page article to help people understand what it means to be a codependent.
Here is my story. Maybe you can relate to it. Maybe you can see a little bit of yourself - in me.
Because of my upbringing - I had no choice but to create 'ways' in order to survive the world around me - to deal with the people in my life. My dad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic and my mom was an enabler. [Someone who goes out of their way to keep another person from having to face up to their destructive behaviors] I was bullied while in school and often emotionally abused by both my dad and my second oldest brother. I quickly learned to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and work 'around' those in my life. I weighed my words very carefully and gained a sense of value by 'saving' those who were in trouble. [Or at least trying to] I became every-one's councilor. My value was based on how much someone ELSE thought of me. As a result - I became very sensitive to how others reacted to me and IF they were nice to me - I had a good day and felt OK about myself. But IF they were not so nice to me - I very quickly became depressed and felt worthless and miserable. My value as a person was based on how I thought others valued me. While growing up - being a codependent basically saved my life. I had no choice but to adopt 'codependent' survivor skills in order to cope with those around me. The trouble began later - when I no longer needed to cater to the inappropriate behavior of others. And the trouble began because I didn't know any other way to be. And although I didn't consciously go out of my way to do so - I would choose people who needed my help the most to be my friends. The more desperate you were - the more appealing to me you became. Just as a battered women will go from one battering boyfriend/husband to another - I went from one unhealthy, needy 'friend' to another. And just as one might wonder why someone would be attracted to the very people who do them the most harm - it's important to understand that we [As in all of us] find 'comfort' [For lack of a better word] with the familiar. It's what we know. It's the type of people we are USED to dealing with. Just as many battered women seek out another battering man to be with - I would find yet another unhealthy, needy person to be with. And the destructive friendship/relationship pattern would begin all over again.
Another aspect of how codependency works in my life has to do with what I call, 'The unwritten contract'. Here's how it works. You enter my life. I do all that I can do to make you feel good about yourself. I go out of my way to be as compassionate and as kind and as helpful as I possibly can be. I listen for hours and hours to you as you share with me your deepest thoughts and feelings and I respond with compassionate advice. This works out great - for awhile. My desire to feel needed is met and the person I am with feels better about themselves. The trouble begins when the 'other person' fails to live up to MY expectations of them. [What I expected of them in the 'unwritten contract'] It should be noted that every friendship - even healthy ones - have 'contracts'. A good 'contract' is one where both sides get something out of the deal. In a healthy friendship/relationship both 'parties' feel as though they are equally giving and taking. In an unhealthy friendship/relationship ONE person is doing far more 'giving' while the other person is doing far more than his or her share of 'taking'. Eventually - somethings got to give. And usually [If not always] it's the 'giver' who is going to burn out first. It's the 'giver' who is going to feel 'used' and taken advantage of. And it's the 'giver' who is going to eventually wonder WHY the other person isn't giving anything BACK. But in reality - the person a codependent [Like myself] finds most appealing is unlikely to BE a 'giver'. If they were a 'giver' - I would have no use for them. And this is why it's not good to be a codependent. My value as a person - how I feel about myself - should NOT be dependent upon how some other person responds to MY needs. I should [Ideally] be attracted to people who desire an equal relationship - one where both 'parties' give AND take. And that's why I'm going to CODA meetings. I want to learn how to TAKE. That may sound odd to some people - but I feel very uncomfortable around someone who cares about ME as much as I care about them. And I want to change that. I NEED to change that. I want to want to be in a healthy friendship/relationship.
I must confess that one of the expectations that I have of people in my life is completely and totally unfair and I'm hoping to learn to let go of that expectation. What I want a 'friend' to do in my life is 'right' the 'wrongs' of my past. To make up for all of the horrible things that were said and done to me by OTHER people. And that is completely unrealistic. And even IF they wanted to do that for me - they couldn't. They are NOT responsible for what other people might have said and done. But it's important to remember [And this applies to ANY problem we may have - including being a 'codependent'] that every emotional struggle we deal with as we grow up started when we were kids and/or teenagers. And we have to be gentle with ourselves and understand that when trying to become healthier people. Changing who we are and how we respond to the world around us often feels like an impossible task - but we CAN change and we CAN become better human beings. NOT for the sake of someone else - but for OUR sake.
Do you think that you might be a codependent?!
TALK ABOUT IT
Join my JFG_CODEPENDENTS Yahoo Group
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