notgay

But I don't WANT to be GAY

It is my hope that the one message that my homepage has emphasized more than any other is the message of being true to yourself. That sounds nice - of course - but what if you're not sure who or what YOU are?? First off - let there be no mistake. There is far more to YOU than your sexual orientation - but let's just focus on THAT part of you. [since that is what this page is all about] When it comes to your sexual orientation - who are you? Are you really gay? Are you really straight? Are you really bisexual? For some of you - that may sound like a silly question. Of course I'm gay or straight or bisexual. But what about the rest of you? What if you're not sure? What if you think you're gay [or might be gay] and don't WANT to BE?? What then??

A lot of guys - especially when they're young - become very fond of their same sex friends. Quite often - their best friend is the first person they have ever felt love and affection for who was NOT a member of their family. That's a special feeling. It's nice to love someone. But what if a guy has sexual feelings for his same sex friend. What then? What does THAT mean? Does it mean he's gay? What if YOU have sexual feelings for YOUR same sex best friend - does that mean YOU are gay? What if you and your friend have HAD sex or some sort of sexual contact - like touching each other's penises or masturbating each other - or whatever - what then? Is it too late? Have you crossed the line? Are you now 'gay for sure'??

The first thing you're going to have to do - in order to figure out whether or not you are gay - is try to be as open and as honest as you can be [with yourself] about what it is you are REALLY feeling. And that's not going to be easy - believe me. It is important to keep in mind that guys - especially - are very sexual. In other words - guys are often quite horny. That's just natural. Guys often think about sex and are often quite consumed with the thought about having an orgasm. [especially when they are young] That - of course - has nothing to do with sexual orientation. That's just 'being a guy'. And those sexual feelings are as strong as they will ever be when a guy is a teenager. So it kinda makes sense that with all of that sexual energy - many guys will have sexual thoughts and feelings for the one they love and trust most of all - their same sex best friend. Also - guys - especially when they're just starting their teenaged years - are curious about how they measure up. The want and need to know just how they compare - emotionally, intellectually AND physically - with other guys. Again - who better to compare yourself to than your same sex best friend.

The world we live in has often told us that it is 'wrong' for a guy to love another guy. Of course - that's nonsense - but it does make a lot of guys THINK that because they DO love their same sex best friend - that it must mean something MORE than just love. Many guys even feel ashamed of the love they have for their same sex best friend - and do their best to hide those feelings. And isn't that sad? Love has nothing to do with sexual orientation. [and nothing to do with sex] Loving your same sex best friend - even with all of your heart - does not mean that you are gay.

Whatever you want - I guess. Just don't let your past dictate your future. In other words - don't let what you HAVE done decide for you what you WILL do. Besides - lots of guys have 'experimented' with their best buddy. [fooled around sexually - in other words] It means nothing. And it certainly does not mean that you're gay. [it doesn't mean that you're NOT gay - either]

"I've already had sex with a guy - what do I do now?"

A lot of people believe that being gay is wrong. Many of these people believe that it is a 'sin' and that a man should only have sex with a woman. Some people also believe that the first time a person should have sex [male and female] is AFTER they are married. Whether or not YOU believe that - is entirely up to you. But we are - I believe - responsible for whatever decisions we make in life and we will be held accountable for whatever it is we say and do. So no matter what YOU decide to do with YOUR life - just make sure that YOU are the one making the decisions that effect your life and that you are not allowing someone else to decide for you by shaming you into becoming more like THEM. Question everything you hear - even what I'm saying to you now. Think for yourself and decide for yourself what it is YOU think is OK. And never do anything that goes against YOUR morals or your sense of right and wrong. And always keep in mind that what you think is 'right' today - may not be 'right' tomorrow. Always be humble when it comes to what you think you know.

"But isn't a person BORN GAY??"

I don't know - are they? Some people believe that - some people don't. Some people believe that our sexual orientation is set in stone and that we ARE one way or the other from birth. Other people believe that a person BECOMES gay. A young boy without a positive 'father figure' will seek out other males to replace that missing father. The boy sexualizes his interest in other males because - usually - his need of a father is greatest [emotionally] while he is going though puberty. Makes sense - in fact both ideas make sense. But whether someone is born gay or becomes gay [or is - perhaps - born leaning towards being gay and discovers his 'true gay self' as he matures - as others believe] is something you'll have to come to terms with for yourself. But be careful. People have a tendency to believe 'things' that give them the greatest comfort - whether or not what they are believing is actually true. So always do you best to keep an open mind and never assume that what you believe to be true - IS the absolute truth.

OK - so what do I do NOW??

That's up to you. IF you are gay or think you might be gay [and don't want to be] then you're going to have to make some tough decisions. But life is like that. We often have to make sacrifices and deny ourselves certain things in our lives for the greater good OF our lives. Until you can come to some decision [one that you can live with] regarding your sexual orientation and what it means to you - perhaps you should avoid having sex. Sounds like a horrible idea? Well... sure... it may sound horrible - but how else can a person come to a sense of who they really are [and what really matters to them] IF they are unwilling to take a few steps back - giving them an opportunity to take a look at the 'big picture'. [so to speak] Continuing to have sex with a guy WHILE you're trying to figure out if 'this' is for you - isn't really going to do you any good. Of course - having sex feels good - at least physically. But perhaps that 'good feeling' is just clouding your ability to see things clearly. While you're celebate [not having sex] or before you even begin to have sex - take time to really examine your life. Try to come to some sort of understanding of WHY you are gay. [or why you think you might be gay] What are you looking for that you THINK can be found by having a sex with a guy? What do you THINK some 'guy' can do for you? Is there an emotional 'void' in YOU that you are expecting someone else to fill? And is that realisitic? Can a person MAKE you happy? Can some other guy - who is just as likely to have 'needs' as YOU have - make you feel loved and special and important? Are you expecting too much? Are you setting yourself up to be forever disappointed - to always feel just as you feel now? Does 'being gay' mean that you are being 'true to yourself' OR do you feel that 'being gay' means that you are NOT being 'true to yourself'? Do you have fantasies of finding a man and living happily ever after OR do you wish you could just find some 'nice girl' and put all of that 'gay stuff' behind you? Not easy questions - that's for sure. But I think it's always very important to find out WHY we think what we think and WHY we feel what we feel. Many guys who are dealing with this very issue [like myself - for instance] have decided to live a celebate life - at least until they CAN come to some sort of understanding of their sexuality. For me - specifically - I'm still trying to figure out if being gay really IS 'ok' with God. You may be wondering that too. [then again - maybe not]

It's not going to be easy

You already know that - don't you. But always keep in mind one simple little truth. You are NOT alone. Millions of guys are struggling to come to terms with their sexual thoughts and feelings - just as you and I are. And even though - in the dark of night - we may feel as if no one else understands what we are going through - I promise - I know what you're going through. I know how tough it is to deal with sexual orientation issues and whether or not we will ever be OK with who we are. [and whether or not we SHOULD be OK] And what I'm about to say may sound unbelievable - but I love you. Some may wonder how I could possibly love someone that I have never even met. But I do. But when pushed for an answer - I always say the same thing. How can some people hate someone they have never even met? [and - as you probably know - that happens all the time] So my feelings for you are genuine - I assure you.

Ask yourself this question...

In the movie 'American History X' - the main charactor [played by Edward Norton] is asked a question that we should all ask ourselves. [and I'm paraphrasing - I'm sure] "Of all the things you have done - has any of it made your life better?" Apply that question to anything and everything you have done - then answer the question. IF you have had sex with a guy [or a girl - for that matter] has the sex made your life better? Are you happier now because you have had sex? If not [and for most people - I believe the answer is NO] then perhaps you need to find out why. Maybe you believed that having sex would make you feel loved. Maybe you believed that sex would make you feel accepted and valued. If that's true - you're not alone. Most of us - I believe - have bought into the many promises of sex only to be greatly disappointed - for no such promises can be kept. Sure - for many - sex is good - but only IF their expectations of sex were NOT unrealistic. [and the person they had sex with was NOT burdened with the responsibility of making them 'happy']

If you'd like to talk about this - please feel free to email me and/or join my Just For Guys Yahoo group. You can even post a message on my 'Penis TALK message board' - if you like.

"It takes FAR MORE COURAGE to be KIND than it does to be CRUEL" - CanadaCraig

*