This is a difficult topic for me - so please forgive me if what I'm about to say doesn't make perfect sense. Ok?! |
S U I C I D E |
I hate suicide. I hate what 'it' has done to people. Suicide is a monster - a vicious animal - one that does everything 'it' can do to destroy the heart and soul of everyone 'it' touches. IF I had the power to do so - I would kill that 'monster'. |
When I was 15 years old - I came very close to killing myself. In fact - if my mom wasn't home that day - I'm sure I wouldn't be here - now. I remember very clearly [as I was lying in my bed that night] the feeling of being strangely calm and distant from myself. [if that makes sense] I wasn't upset or worried or panicky or anything. In fact - I felt very 'comfortable' with my decision. I didn't want to be alive anymore - and that was 'OK'. It wasn't until my mom knocked on my bedroom door [in the morning - telling me to get up and get ready for school] that everything suddenly changed. I literally screamed and then burst into tears. My mother later told me that she had never heard such a horrible scream - it was as though I was being chased by something. She immediately ran into my room. Before she had a chance to say anything - she started crying. She was at a loss for words. Something was horribly wrong - but she didn't know what it was. [or what to do about it] My mom took the day off work - and I stayed home from school. I can't remember what happened next - oddly enough - but I think I probably slept through most of that day. What I DO remember is that I never told her what pushed me over the edge. [I never told anyone] |
What happened?? [you might ask] It had to do with my one and only best friend. A week or so earlier - I wrote my friend a letter. IN that letter I 'confessed' to him that I was [at least partly] attracted to him sexually. His MOTHER found that letter and told my friend that he could NEVER see me again. That was the last straw. My friend told me not to worry - that he would never stop seeing me - but even still - that was the straw that broke the camels back. [so to speak] Everything about my life - at that time - was especially bad. In fact - things had been getting progressively worse ever since I started going to school. [at the age of 6] |
Some of us [like myself] have been subjected to an emotional 'Chinese water torture'. That's when someone is tied to a table and a single drop of water is allowed to fall on their forehead - over and over and over again. Eventually - those single drops of water drive a person to go insane. For me... life was constantly stressful and worrisome. [with the occasional REALLY horrible day thrown in just to keep me off balance] Other people - who may have had a rather good life - are suddenly thrown into a horrible situation - almost like being hit by a bus. Either way - just feeling OK [again] becomes a life-long struggle. |
Can anyone of you answer this question??? [because it's always on my mind] Why do so many people [including myself - at one time] ASSUME that 'death equals peace'?? Even though I believe in God - I still don't know what 'death' is going to be like. I often think of this whenever I hear someone say that THEY are going to 'end the pain' by killing themselves. WHY does someone assume that 'death' is free of pain?? Perhaps [by killing themselves] a person will simply be exchanging one painful existance for another. What puzzles me even more - is that many people who ARE seriously considering suicide will also say that they find it impossible to believe in anything - and yet - they obviously DO believe. They believe that death is better than life. I'm no longer sure that's true. Are you?? If nothing else - it's something to think about. |
There is so much sadness in this world. I would do anything to take the sadness away from each and everyone of you. In fact - and as silly as it is [perhaps] it makes me feel like a failure that I CAN'T make each of you appreciate just how unbelievably special and valuable you all are. None of you are a 'mistake'. |
Thanks for taking the time to read this message. |
It takes FAR MORE COURAGE to be KIND than it does to be CRUEL - CanadaCraig |
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